Of assholes and Facebook

Do you ever look up people from your past on the internet?

I do. I do it even when I know it's a bad, bad idea. I do it even when I know that there's a reason that these people are in my past rather than in my present.

P thinks that my tendency to look people up on the internet comes from the same place as my love of reality TV. Voyeurism. Train wrecks. He's probably right.

In any event, earlier today, against all of my better judgment, I looked up my estranged father on Facebook.

He had 945 friends, which I find hard to believe. I don't think it's actually possible for there to be 945 people in this world that don't think he's a giant asshole.

His listed interests include Angry Birds, bass fishing, and Danica Patrick, among others. He neglected to include his long-established hobbies of drinking excessively and abusing women.

He has many family members listed. Through the Family feature, I learned that he has six siblings and half-siblings (that appear on Facebook, anyway) - brother Paul and sisters Marian, Darlene, Cynthia, Joelle, and Denise. A quick Google search informs me that he also has a half-brother, Charles, who is not on Facebook. Some of these names are vaguely familiar to me; some are not. He was never very close to his family, so even when he managed to see me as a child, I rarely saw them or heard him talk about them. The exceptions are Darlene and Denise, with whom my mom was friendly way back when, and Paul. I knew Paul reasonably well because he was my cousin Michelle's father. Michelle and I were very close as kids, but she died in a bike accident shortly after her 11th birthday, and after that I never really spoke to her father again. I doubt he'd remember me if I were to make contact with him today.

Nevertheless, these are my aunts and uncles. Aunts and uncles that I don't know, that I never really had a chance to know because my father is a giant asshole.

Through the Family feature, I was also reminded that Paul has another daughter, Chelsea. I knew that, but because she was so much younger than Michelle, I never really knew her. I think she was a very young infant when Michelle died. I also learned that Joelle has three children - Derek, Chris, and Jodie. Cynthia also has three children - Erin, Sarah, and Courtney. Marian, too, has three children - Lee, Elliott, and Amanda. Denise and Darlene don't use the Family feature on FB, so I don't know if they have any kids. But these are my cousins, and I don't know any of them. I doubt very much that my father has ever mentioned my existence to any of them, even if he is in contact with them (which I'm not sure he is).

Noticeably absent from his Family list? Me, his daughter Emily, and his son Ted. I'll give him a pass on Ted because he's not on FB. But I think it says something about him as a person that he has three kids (that I'm aware of) and isn't in contact with any of them.

Asshole.

Ughhhhh, why did I bother with this? It was SUCH a bad idea.

And considering that I'm the one that cut him out of my life, I don't know why this is bugging me so much.